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Personal Boundaries: What are they and when to use them

26/06/2023 by Glenys

One of the topics that has been discussed many times with my clients lately is personal boundaries, and not knowing when they should be used.

This subject is frequently connected to individuals that have the following traits.

  • A desire to help others
  • Has a high level of empathy
  • Has a desire to serve Humanity
  • Feels fulfilled when being needed by others
  • Individuals who openly trust
  • Individuals who are fiercely loyal
  • Individuals who have evolved their identity around giving to others
  • Individuals who are highly sensitive and/or highly intuitive
  • Individuals who enjoy problem solving for others

What do all of these people have in common?

They place the needs of others before their own. This can be either a learned trait or a personality trait. These traits are highly sought after and respected by many; however, there are some people that can take these expectations or your good intentions for granted.

Giving beyond the normal level to support others is admirable if it is managed well.

It is when there is no ‘end date’ that the individual giving their energy to others, unwittingly moves towards burnout.

What are the symptoms of burnout?

  • Elevated stress levels
  • Difficulty sleeping
  • Feeling like you are constantly walking a path without solution or sense of achievement 
  • Self-isolating or retreating
  • Easily irritated
  • Hyper-sensitive to people’s words and actions
  • Gains a sense of frustration over not being good enough
  • Loss of self-identity
  • Increase of self-soothing – e.g. smoking, drinking, vaping, eating, sleeping, gaming
  • A decrease of personal happiness
  • Feeling of numbness to life around you
  • The mind continues to drive forward when the body feels fatigued.

What is the difference between burnout and depression?

Depression is usually the warning signs of burnout. Both of these symptoms are the result of prolonged lowering of personal energy. This can be due to giving too much to others and trying to pour your energy from an already empty vessel. This is where boundaries are important.

What are personal boundaries?

Personal boundaries are guidelines that you set for yourself. These guidelines may relate to physical, emotional, mental, or even spiritual boundaries you set down to ease or support your life for a short or prolonged period of time.

This enables you to intentionally give what you are able, rather than give what is expected from yourself and others. Communication is also very important during this process so those you engage with, understand that there may be days you are not feeling as energised or able to assist in the way you would usually.

As people decline in their energy levels, it is very common that they also retreat within themselves, and communication dwindles. This compounds potential issues as it can create misunderstandings.

Creating personal boundaries requires pre-planning, when and how you may place them into effect. It is wise to inform those around you how you are feeling rather than trying to push through without “bothering others”.

Techniques that may help you

  • Remember to place deposits in your energy bank account – every time you help/assist others, you are unwittingly draining your energy bank account. It is important to have a buffer that you can draw from in order to maintain a healthy sense of wellbeing. If your cup is full, you are able to help others with ease and without personal detriment to yourself.
  • Planning regular personal dates is a need rather than an option. If you are a planner, remember to schedule some time for yourself and stick to the plan! People that are natural givers or helpers will often sacrifice their time for others. If this is you, do a self-check to find out whether you can reprioritise your time if required.
  • Little and often. Little acts of self-nurturing often can be longer lasting than a day of self-nurturing and then the rest of the week helping others. By doing little and often, it is easier to create a routine where your wellbeing is prioritised and your cup is consistently being filled.
  • When you are thriving, you have clarity. When you are feeling energetically abundant, you are in a perfect position to list down all the activities that bring you fulfilment. This could be being in nature, reading a book, going for a walk or a fun, playing music, watching a movie.

Remain Flexible

Personal boundaries can, and need to, remain flexible. This is because as people and situations change, you may be required too also. Keeping ridged boundaries may create limitations for yourself moving forward, so remain flexible and revise your boundaries on a regular basis. You need them to work for you rather than against you.

You may have friends, family members or work colleagues that are constantly requiring your assistance or guidance, in different ways. One may need physical assistance whereas another may require ongoing emotional support. Exploring how to assist and for what time period, enables you to draw your focus towards the task required with a planned approach rather than a reactive response. This is budgeting your energy output in a sense.

Identifying situations that require extra energy output early, will enable you to determine if and what boundaries need to be put in place. Have you ever experienced someone who involves you in the next stage of their problem solving once you have helped them over their last hurdle? Are they grateful for your support or do you feel resentful? These are important questions to ask yourself as you begin to understand creating your own personal boundary formula.

Personal boundaries have the ability to either protect people or support people. The only difference is to allow flexibility with your personal boundaries. As you grow, these boundaries need to adapt with your growth.

Those who establish personal boundaries as protection, often fall into the trap of strengthening their boundaries to a degree where they become ridged and resistant to change.

Boundaries are a placeholder that support you through a process or situation for either self-preservation or personal development.

Activities to support you

Personal date jar – grab a jar and some popsicle sticks and write some personal date ideas on the sticks. When you start feeling like your energy is getting drained and your thoughts are cloudy, choose a random popsicle stick from the jar and complete the written activity.

Pre-plan activities – if you are needing to connect with someone who is energy intensive, make sure you build up your resilience beforehand to support you through that situation. If you feel that you are not up to it, it is better to postpone early rather than try to pour from an empty cup. Only resentment can result from running on empty.

Be open to receiving – if you struggle to receive, try to practice accepting small tokens of gratitude or help from others. This way, when you are feeling drained, it can be easier to accept help, guidance, and support from others if/when necessary.

Spend time with trusted loved ones – they will allow you to be comfortable in your own energy without making you feel drained or needing to mask your true self.

Discover an activity that is truly you –this can be learning an instrument/listening to music, dancing, knitting/sewing/crocheting, cooking/baking, fishing, woodworking, skating. Something that allows your inner light to shine bright one more. The options are endless!

Understanding your energy levels and creating personal boundaries for your unique situations will be something you will find invaluable moving forward and allow you to be the best version of yourself.

I wish you all the best and hope this information helps you to find some balance in your world. If you can relate to this, let me know!

Take care,

Glenys x

Filed Under: personal development

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